oK Life is Trash
Sometimes I sit here and ask myself the question “Do people really change?” Some people - including my own boys would say so. Now, being in a relationship, to which I am loyal and give 100% as oppose to this time last year, would be a sign of change but then again I think not. My actions may have changed but my intentions have not.
I’ve always tried to be good. I really have.
My problem was always getting into relations with girls out of boredom, not necessarily out of “love”. Bored of chasing girls and being fast with them I’d settle for the first “good girl” that came along. A low body count and decent banter were enough to get me back then, well enough to trick myself I had found the one. Very soon after it had gotten “serious” I realised how unserious I truly was. I missed the thrill of being how I used to, being able to pick who I could pursue at any time but now I was stuck with this one girl. A nice girl, truly lovely. But not MY girl.
She’d be better for someone else.
Creating distance. Starting arguments. Being rude. All of my favourite tricks to create a toxic environment so I could leave for a reason, realistically she hadn’t done anything so I had to frame her for a crime in our relationship that I orchestrated. Truth is, I wasn’t big enough to say “Look this isn’t for me. I can’t do this” I’d rather her say “You’re too much of a headache. I can’t do this” so I could flip it and make her feel as though she had genuinely been at fault whilst I smile as my plan was coming to fruition.
In one instance this plan wasn’t executed quickly enough and by summer I was heading off in holiday with my guys and I already knew what was about to happen. Weeks and months of convincing her I’d be on my best behaviour. Fables. Myths. My own boys were saying “Even before you step on that plane. I know 100% you’re going to do it” I’d laugh it off knowing they were 100% right. It was always in the plans.
So I did it. I won’t lie I enjoyed it, I was pissed I couldn’t tell people about my antics because I was meant to be “cuffed”
I didn’t care that I had done it and was so cheeky that I admitted it. I told her everything. Then followed it up with “only joking, you know I wouldn’t do that”. My conscience was now clear.
When I reminisce on the things I have done to girls, I’ve never had a malicious intention, it always just ends with me doing shady shit to dig myself out of a hole I put myself in. I played my part in the “men are trash” movement way before it was a twitter tagline. Maybe I’m a pioneer or just a scumbag, either way, I have no regrets as everything that has happened has shaped me into the person I am now.
Fast forward a year and I’m here happily in a relationship doing the best I can, knowing full well that side of me is gone. My intentions towards this one have been the same as the rest, the difference is now I really know what I want.
My actions change. My intentions don’t.
Written by: KLife