In the Mind of a Part-Time Pessimist
It’s a topic I discuss once in a while with great apprehension and increasing worry. Many of my friends and I have talked about the idea of having children or rather, the idea of not having them.
‘I don’t want to have children. Not with the world we live in.’
I’m terrified. Who would want to raise kids in a world like this? The future is looking ominous. We’re destroying the environment, corrupt and incompetent politicians, rise in competitiveness in academics and the increase in mental illness (specifically for students), and so forth. It’s incredibly expensive to have children nowadays. What if I don’t make enough money to support my children? I would never have children unless I had the means to support them.
It’s not just the idea of children I’m pessimistic about but my future in general. I can’t help but think of the worst. Maybe it’s due to the negativity bias or just how I am in general. I’m pessimistic about careers, my personal life, my prospects, grades, etc. Writing is the only way I can vent but it can only do so much. The thing about the future is that there’s no way of predicting what will happen. It sounds silly but I don’t like not knowing what’s going to happen but I’m going to have to accept that.
The worst thing is, the absolute worst, is the idea of disappointing my parents. My parents, bless them, will support me no matter what. And I wish that I could be someone that they could be genuinely proud of. Both my parents are amazing people who’ve had and still have such interesting lives. They’ve made a name for themselves and I am incredibly proud of them. I want to give my future children the life my parents provided me with. I’m fortunate enough to have a privileged life, I wish the same for my children. But what if I can’t? What if I can’t financially support them? What if I’m a bad parent? What if they can’t access opportunities because I’m not able to open the doors for them?
Sometimes I wish I could stop time, or at least rewind it. I would go back to my final two years in secondary school; not a child anymore but not an adult. I possessed a sense of responsibility but didn’t have to shoulder the world. I look back to those times with nostalgia and wished I had treasured them more, wished that I had lived for the moments back then instead of worrying so much.
When I see singers I admire on a show or an interview or whatnot, I sometimes think, how do you do it? How have you managed to turn something you love into a successful career, and an extremely successful one at that. Then I’m hit with the hard reality, it’s because they’re exceptional at what they love. They live and breathe music. I’ll never be like that, I’ll never be a star or a genius. I love writing, it’s my catharsis but I’ll never be a Rowling or a Wilde or a Shakespeare. I’ll be slightly above average at best but it’s a curse of being average isn’t it? You want to be so much more but just aren’t.
Maybe if I had a little more faith in myself, I wouldn’t be so pessimistic about my future and the future in general. I’m working on it. I called myself a ‘part-time pessimist’ in the title, and that's because I do have moments where I look forwards to the future. There are things that I do get excited for but there are also times when I want to disappear. I truly admire people who can just go with the flow and take things in stride. Maybe counselling will help, I hope it does. I’ve noticed that all my recent blogs have been quite depressing. And whilst it’s important to address issues like these, I want to write about happy and cheerful subjects as well.
That’ll be my goal; my next blog will be something uplifting.