A Malicious Ghost in My Mind
It’s taken a lot of deliberation and contemplation on whether I should write this blog. People say the stigma around mental health is decreasing, and I guess it is, but it’s still there. I never thought I would be writing this because I never thought I would have mental health issues.
I’ve always told myself, ‘what do you have to be upset about? You’re so privileged and surrounded by amazing people’.
You have to realise that mental illnesses aren’t selective, they don’t give a shit whether you’re privileged or not. The reason why I compare mental illnesses, specifically depression and anxiety, to a ghost is because you don’t always realise it’s there. If you’ve seen any horror film, there are signs but you don’t always notice the ghost. Sometimes it lingers at the back of your mind. Sometimes it’s right in your face, smothering you with its presence. I don’t know if everybody has a ghost but everybody has their own issues and struggles.
It was last night I had on first and proper breakdown. It was awful.
I felt suffocated. I felt alone. I felt powerless. I felt worthless. I felt like shit.
I hate how my mind works. I hate how it overthinks every single thing. I hate how when I find peace, something pops up to ruin it. I hate how it seems like my mind wants to worry about something constantly. I hate that I don’t know how to change it. When I’m like this, I just shut down. I don’t sleep well, I don’t eat, I don’t go to my classes, I just come to a halt. I know I can’t keep living like this. But I’m scared. Why? Because part of me doesn’t want to acknowledge that there’s something wrong with me. Part of me wants to believe that when the ‘ghost’ goes away, it’ll be fine. And it will be fine - until it returns. There will be periodic moments where I’m happy and optimistic, and those times are great. I know that life isn’t meant to be smooth, but it’s just too much for me sometimes.
I have thought about ending it several times but then I think of my parents and my friends. As arrogant as it sounds, I think they would be upset if I went through with it. It was also last night that I realised how amazing and support my friends are. I want to help myself, I want to reach out for help, I want to change. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I have goals I want to accomplish, I have things I want to do. Maybe it’s because I study philosophy but sometimes I find myself wondering, ‘what’s the point?’. I still don’t know the answer but I can only find out by persevering, and not giving up.
I wrote this because acknowledging the state of your mental health is the first step. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I also know that I’m not alone, that millions of other people are also facing similar struggles.
I want to change. I can change. And I will change. That’s my promise to myself.